so, I have a confession...I've fallen in love with someone new...

So I have a confession…..I’ve fallen in love with someone new….

Well, kind of someone old….39 to be exact!

Spoiler Alert: IT’S ME!

About 2 years ago, I decided to embark on a journey to practice, and attain #RadicalSelfLove….…..and friends, what a long, strange trip it’s been!

I was at a point where I was caught up in a cycle of losing and regaining the same 50lbs...and swinging between the two poles of lots of fitness/yoga, and ‘is she still breathing’ style couch hibernation. I was living and dying by the outcome of the digital bathroom scale…..each step onto this chrome and glass monster was a one way ticket to self congratulatory indulgence, self pitying gluttony, or the odd time, a sense of exuberant motivation!

2 yrs ago, I was in a place of ‘push’ and was hitting the gym and the studio, as well as working like a dog. I sometimes did some ‘self care’ routines, but was often so busy that I didn’t have time. So I was counting my constant motion as ‘self care’ which was kind of BS...but hey...I was open to learning….

Then, last year, about this time, I saw a post on social media (the #nodietnotebook) and it forced to call myself out on my own shit.

IT FORCED ME TO DECIDE TO SHIFT MY VISION


This was a #Gamechanger for me. It was someone giving me permission to love my (perceived) flaws! It’s SO simple it hurts!

The most effective way to have a body that you love,

is finding ways to love the body that you have.

Wait….what?!?

That’s allowed?



I didn’t even know what was an option?!?




As silly as that must sound….it had not occurred to me that you could LEARN to love the body that you have. I think I always kind of assumed that you either LOVED your body, or you didn’t. It never once occurred to me that these ‘Curvy’ Social Media mavens didn’t just come rolling out of the womb cherishing their every curve and dimple?! That they actually PRACTICED loving themselves, and worked at it!!!! And after seeing this quote,I realized….I CAN choose this! Here’s what I posted about a year ago, along with the quote.


November 25, 2016 ·

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

This.

I decided to make some changes in my mindset. Here's what I've been practicing:

*Love myself.

* Accept compliments from others, and distribute them freely to others.

* Love the body I have today

* If there's something I don't like, I can choose to practice embracing it, or start working to change it. If I choose the latter, then I am NOT allowed to 'hate' that thing in the interim...instead, I will reframe any bad tidings into 'hey...I'm working on that bit, so it won't look/feel that way forever!"

* don't allow friends to bash themselves...call them out on this shiz. (Friends...I'm on high alert!!!!).

* practice a self care ritual EVERY DAY. this doesn't have to be anything fancy, it can be as simple as washing your face and brushing your teeth before bed, but if your mindset is that 'this is an embrace', then it works!

* if I am out/Getting ready to go out, and start feeling anxious or self conscious, remind myself of all the above items, as well as reiterate to myself that I am pretty damn fantastic just the way I am, and don't need to change, apologize or feel inferior for any reason.

* I model self confidence, and air of dignity and happiness with myself.

Have I perfected this? Nope. I practice it... Every. Single. Day.

Do I slip up and get down on myself? Yep. And I can always be catching myself and reframing.

At the end of the day, my happiness is far superior to the alternative. When I am happy, I know that everyone around me feels it. I also know from experience that seeing someone who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold exude self confidence is inspiring and uplifting to others, so I choose to model this whenever I can.



So what’s changed in a year? And what’s prompted me to run to my laptop and share?

I was driving home about two weeks ago, chatting with an old friend…..she said that I seemed really happy….and I was about to have a ‘smile and nod’ sort of dismissive response, when it hit me...I AM REALLY HAPPY!!! Zomg….like, REALLY! And I proceeded to kind of have a flood of revelations washing over me! I can’t remember the last time I thought about ‘punishing’ myself for eating something indulgent, or feeling guilt associated with food. I’ve gone through my closet and purged a TON of items that didn’t make me feel great, and/or were uncomfortable. (breaking up with decision fatigue at the same time!! Woot woot!) I’ve continued to work toward cleaning up my skin and beauty routines and products, and I’ve stayed committed to my Chiro and Massage care. I cancelled my gym membership and stopped feeling guilty for not going. I’ve done a little better with my home yoga practice, and am working on creating space to get back to my beloved PYC fam! <3 I’ve spent some incredible times with family and friends alike and I’ve said YES to so many things that have made me happy this year! My hubs is no longer broken, and we are, as always planning some amazing adventures, and my boys are both doing great things in their lives. My Oil Biz is beginning to SOAR, and we’ve inducted an awesome new ‘work wife’ into my 9-5 family! I have SO much to be grateful for, and NONE of this was diminished by negative self talk and body shaming!!!!



Fast forward another week, and the awesome continues!!! I am very blessed to have a friend who just happens to be a pretty incredible photographer….she’s been hounding me to do pics for YEARS! She would actually message me about finding ‘the perfect place’ for yoga photos, and wanted to make a day of it, etc. Instead of profusely thanking her, and taking her up on this amazing offer...I avoided her LIKE. THE. PLAGUE.



Now? I not only contacted HER and booked a session, but I ROCKED IT! Now, I’ll give FULL credit to her for being an amazing professional and making me feel at ease, but I realized after she left that the only thing I really got ‘self conscious’ about was my facial expression (What do I do with my face? Is this normal? Do I look creepy?? I feel creepy! LOL Blue Steele? Le Tigre? apparently I need to go to the Derek Zoolander Academy!) I was body ‘aware’ at times, but not only about my size/shape...also about my inverted knees and elbows! LOL



For the VERY first time in my adult life, it’s feeling SAFE for me to be SEEN. I’ve realized it IS possible to be content with myself. That I don’t HAVE to fix anything. AND IT FEELS FUCKING AWESOME!






I've smiled more, laughed more, played more, skinny dipped more (!!), hugged more, danced more, spent more time with my family and friends and less time swearing in my closet trying to find something to wear!!! And you know what?!?!?! I KNOW that this has allowed me to SHOW UP in a much more powerful way for everyone in my life! #whoknew







I’ve got some MASSIVE goals for 2018. Part of this will include a return to an inflammation reducing way of eating, which, as a side benefit, may result in some weight loss While this isn’t the focus, I’m sure it will be a nice perk! I will stay committed to honouring myself, and what feels aligned, and healthy.

So that’s what I’ve got for you friends….I am REALLY happy! My hope in writing this that either, you’re already here with me, OR, you’re inspired to start making shifts in this direction, because let me tell you….it’s SOOOOOO worth it! <3


<Disclaimer - this pic is NOT from my recent photoshoot>

Jen~