I don’t remember when I stopped loving my body. I don’t know if I ever started? I remember being a skinny, flat chested kid, always envious of the girls who had the curves in all the right places. I also remember being conscious of some girls who had a few extra pounds, and I instinctually thought it simply a result of eating too much. I felt like they had hope because they could just diet, whereas I was doomed to be flat chested forever, and there was nothing I could do about this (cue maniacal rounds of ‘we must, we must, we must increase our bust’ exercises….. Which never did work!) I remember being so frustrated with my scrawny arms and pencil neck. (Both of which are now sought after and oft photoshopped now, damnit!)
At some point, I gained weight….my bra, and my shirtsleeves filled out….I not only stopped being moderately dissatisfied with my body….I started HATING it. And then punishing it. Perhaps quite unintentionally. While some people turn to drugs or alcohol, I used food as my coping mechanism. While I’d never dream of getting drunk every night, I’d eat my way into a carb and/or sugar induced haze where I felt my stress dissipate.
I ballooned up to nearly 300lbs. I HATED myself. I lost weight, but not ‘enough’ and I continued to hate myself. I’ve gained and lost the same 50lbs multiple times over. I did this dance for 10+ years. Finally, I decided enough was enough. (see prior blog posts on this!)
I have worked SO hard to love myself over the past few years. Just as I am. This meant that I had to let go of ‘trying’ to lose weight. To give up the gym, which I HAAAATED...and yoga, which I loved, but was forcing my life WAY out of balance. I had to disrupt the vicious cycle. To detach from any attempt to ‘lose weight’ and simply learn to live in this body of mine. And for the most part….I’ve succeeded in doing this. I can wear a bathing suit in public without cringing (or needing a pint of margaritas!) I can play with my kids without holding back because I may look chubby, or be judged.
I take the photos. I wear what makes me feel great.
I smile constantly.
I laugh. A LOT.
Without feeling like I need to be ‘smaller’ or ‘skinnier’ or someone else’s version of ‘good’
And friends, it is an incredible feeling.
AND…. I’ve realized that the next phase of my evolution needs to be the part where I actually start doing all of the things where I actually eat right and exercise. I’ve spent so much time trying to learn to love my body, and stop the insane diet/shame cycle that I’ve actually slipped back into some self destructive behaviours along the way, but hiding it behind the guise of 'it's ok to treat myself/not deny myself' While it IS ok to give yourself permission to indulge in the finer things from time to time, I basically stole the teacher’s hall pass pad and went on a spree! I’ve worked SO hard to achieve remission with my Crohn’s, and then tempt fate ALL the time by eating terribly. Granted, I’ve had a few setbacks over the past few months that opened the door to a perfect storm for all of this to get even worse...and it has.
BUT.
I am bigger than my excuses. One of my mentors, (shoutout to the amazing Geralyn Power!) recently posted a great quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer….. “Every Excuse is a Misalignment” DAMNIT. Don’t you just hate it when you KNOW you have to do that thing you've been resisting for a long, long time??!! Well this is the thing. And I feel this deeply.
So. now begins the work...but for the first time in my life, I am making these choices to clean up my eating, and move my body SOLELY because I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH. and NOT because my Self is something I hate/loathe/detest. Don’t worry y’all. You have not lost your sassy and boisterous friend to kale salads and colonics, and all conversational roads leading to macronutrients. I’ma just love on myself a little more….so be prepared for an even happier, and more freaking majestic version of the already pretty awesome (and obv humble) ME!!!!! #buckleup
